two pictures

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I visited Cambria and Moonstone beach this weekend.

then later spent a little time at the mission San Miguel. a very purposeful and peace filled trip.

No doubt that God is ordering my footsteps and even the tracks of my cars tires.

--

Here are: wood and rocks

plaster and wooded benches

each beautiful in their own way

Last year was different - Diary of a care giver

Thanksgiving last year was different.
I will welcome the noise and crowd and the laughter now,
in contrast to the quiet that we had last year with mom, Debi and I.
When it was clear that mom could not travel and that a large gathering here would not be a good idea we ( I guess it was me)  decided to let it go. Some things have to be let go, when they no longer are feasible.
Thankfully these things become evident, plain, easy to discern over time.  I can not account for the increase in wisdom regarding mom except to say that it was a gift from God, for that time, coupled with a long period of observation and inquiry.  The gift came in many beautifully wrapped packages, helpful people, books, visits, and random thoughts in the late night or early morning hours. I am glad for a good brain and vow to keep it alive as long as I can, in the same way that mom did. She fought against aging and the loss of some of her memory. I fought it too, with supplements and diet that were healthy, with new experiences that she could enjoy, and by letting as many old friend visitors come by as possible, not worrying if mom would recall their names, she always remembered their faces and the voices. 

We made a small dinner last Thanksgiving, but we enjoyed it much. We were thankful that in August we had camped at the beach in Ventura, that mom had gone sailing with me on my 55th birthday in her 91st summer!  The next month we took her to a local campground and enjoyed the sounds of the wind in the pines, the amazing views as we rode the chair lift to the summit and ate lunch. Floating through the trees on the way back down we had views of our beautiful valley and sparkling blue lake that were priceless.  We had each other, we had the day, the moment. it was enough.
     The challenges to come were yet unrevealed, but all knew that the caring would get us through, that the loving was glue enough to help us to accomplish what we needed, or on days when it was just about waiting, that we could wait in faith, with hope for it was not the end which was near, but a new beginning. A new beginning for mom, to be sure, but also a change of great proportion for all of us in the family and circle of friends. We had to begin again, finding out who we were now, that mom was beyond our reach, our care. No longer would we bend to hug her, but would we do the same for another?  We did not have to strain to understand what she wanted, could we do that for a clear spoken friend or brother?  I did not have to slow my pace to match hers on the walks up the street, but I will need to find a pace that matches whomever I am walking with, for I do not want, always, to walk alone.

Advice to myself on a Monday.

do not be the same old crazy David,
resolve to be a totally new kind of crazy!

give up old thoughts and memories that are not helping
strive to think new thoughts and build new healthy experiences into my life

Feel, but then recover from those feelings
delve deep into your soul, but come up for air
Give the best of yourself to each situation and person you are with.
Rejoice in all things, for Joy is the antidote to pain.

Enough pain has been shared, reviewed, and dissected.
Have the 'end of this' ceremony, out in the woods
and make a clean start.

Heavenly

church was inspiring and oh so real today
I wish it was on video or podcast so we could all hear it
but I will tell you about it, maybe tomorrow

poem

on the importance of TIME

finding Time
to be my friend
learning not to rush anymore
or throw it away
Giving generously of mine
taking sparingly of yours
and of the essence of life it holds

Living in the mind of the free
and the heart of the brave
Time is not money
do not believe that
Time is worth much more than that
Time is what life is made of
enjoy it

allowing myself:

Full freedom, to feel, to think, to say things I might have held in before.
That is my November gift to myself.
I need to feel so that what goes on inside me is not lost or wasted. Feeling alone, or feeling pain is not pleasant, nor to be sought out, but once it is a reality, I can derive benefit from it by not covering it, not ignoring the sensation, nor drowning it in food or drink. Feeling out of balance, without a 'partner', just flying solo through the day, not a lot of contact, I end up talking to myself more. Hopefully i will ask myself hard questions and give myself good answers!
You probably know that most self talk has a fair dose of illusion in it. A man looking in the mirror is more likely to say how good he looks and how his hair is not thinning.  This man is no different. My hope is that I have once again the chance to compare myself not just to others, but to my own ideals, principles and beliefs. Am I true to me?  Where I find I am not, am I willing to make the changes, the sacrifices that will move me in a better, more healthy direction?   Isn't that what we all want ( in others), authenticity?  then we should desire it in ourselves, and work at it, even if it is a life long process.  So it is work. I will hammer away at it until I have a product that I am pleased with.

never a blank page

writing online has ( for me) great benefits.
One is that I never lose the papers that I had to store, move, protect from the elements,etc.
the bigger advantage is in editing. without wasting paper I can write whatever I want and come back later to correct it, enhance it or delete it altogether.
another is that if i decide to write something too personal, or that may be strange, offensive or out of character I can just save is as a draft, and you do not have to read it.
Why the heck would I write something offensive?  I am practicing all sorts of writing and some of it has become intensely personal, and even though I was an Altar server, i was never a choir boy, if you know what I mean. the life of crime stuff does not always edify the reader, so when it gets messy, i do not publish to the web, but store it for my own therapeutic use later on. There are some who have read my harder pieces and given me good feedback, I am especially grateful to them.
Today I will unveil this small bit of the secret me:
I am not done growing yet.
Many things that were apart of me, are no more. Somethings that I had not ever been. still are yet to come. All these changes, both large and small show me that I am alive in spirit, and living in an exciting and changing world, where my faith is tested, made more strong and where God trusts me enough to give me liberty. He knows that I will always come round to His love, and to His divine point of view.  For God's love and for His patience I am ever thankful.
What are you thankful for this day?

Ch ch ch changes

I should be used to change, by now, having been through a dozen or so since my separation and divorce which started in 1995 and was official in 1999 or 2000, (I don' t recall exactly when).
Of course before that were thousands of changes, and somehow I adapted to and even embraced them. I am glad for change, it prevents stagnation. Newness can come with increased possibilities, of course to get the something new, you have to leave some of the old behind. Maybe THAT is what I am having trouble with? So I have a newly empty house, and the freedom to keep it, and enjoy it as I see fit. It used to shelter my mother, but she has a better dwelling now. For the summer months it housed my son and his wife and my youngest, Hannah, while on break from college. Now its just me and the dog. I thank God for the dog, Scooter, as he takes me for walks, shows great interest in what I am cooking, and is always close by when its time for bed.
    Change now will include more writing time, more reading time, and plenty of steady work. One big change that I really enjoyed was taking to the high sierra and backpacking for most of a week. Living alone there was alright, because I was on a mission, to walk 60 miles over two passes and conquer Mt. Whitney. It is the highest in the lower 48 states at 14,496 feet above sea level, almost 2.8 miles high!  Much about me changed in readying for the hike and during that week. I lost fat, gained muscle and dropped 20 lbs in a month.  I also changed internally, and could hear God better in the quiet of the wilderness. I also talked to Him more, since I could not sleep well.  I guess I had plenty of time to talk to myself, and tried not to repeat myself too often with silliness like just put one foot in front of the other. On the final day I found a pair of phrases I needed and repeated them as I climbed up past 12 and even 13,000 feet. " I have everything I need"  was true in every sense, mental, physical and emotional. It is simply, my thanks for divine provision ( Jer 29:11)  The other phrase that came to mind was "Nothing hinders me"  and it became true, step by step as I managed to reach the trail junction at 13,400 feet where I could drop my pack. Now 40 lbs lighter, I knew for sure that nothing could hinder me from reaching the summit.   More about that later.  for now, I bless you with these words, "you have everything you need, and nothing hinders you"  Go and prove it to yourself.

I am working ( i say to myself even as I sit at this keyboard)
Work has become life and life has become work.
I have stopped unhealthy associations with work as unpleasant,
something we only do for others, or for pay. Work is no longer just physical,
it can be emotional, relational, and spiritual as well.
    Some days when I bake bread or make soup, I consider it play, relaxing, decompressing! but the fact is that kneading bread dough is work, just as is kneading muscle tissue when I am giving a massage. Cleaning up the mess after a construction project and cleaning the kitchen floor are both valuable to me and both worth doing well.  I am working at seeing worth in all I do, and in the efforts of others.
   A lot of time when I write, or create poems it just flies off my fingers, and other times it is more laborious. Either way I want my work to be pleasing to God and to those intended to read, enjoy, apply the words I get down into their day or their lives. Once long ago a blog friend, reminded me of my own testimony here, quoted it back to me, and made me see that truth was still true, even though I was not feeling as strong, several moths later. Her words WORKED.

simple thoughts

as I was worshiping this morning the thought of wealth and riches occurred to me.
I am rich, for what I have no man can buy. No billionaire, nor the Saudi princes with all their treasure can purchase what I have been given freely.
I am secure because no man ( or life event) can take it away from me.

I have been given three great gifts,
    Complete forgiveness for all my sins.
    The assurance of life everlasting in the presence of God.
    The responsibility to ask others to come along on this glorious path of life in Christ.

No wonder I rejoice, I dance, I fall to my knees in His presence.
I am humbled and lifted high by the same gentle hand of  a holy God.
No longer do I try to gain by my own works, I fully depend on Him for my worth
and rely on His strength working in me to accomplish what he wishes.

All praise goes to the Lord of Hosts, King of kings, and savior of my soul.

why do we miss people?

Some one goes on a long holiday. Another moves several states away
A loved one dies after a good, long life. A friend does not return phone calls.
Someone you expected to spend your life with breaks the vow you made and takes him or herself away from you.  They are missed and they are missing in our lives. What is that about?
    I humbly admit that I am often the one who goes missing for one reason or another. I have caused pain and suffering by negligently or purposely becoming 'gone' from a situation or from a relationship. For many years I was gone due to drugs, for some it seemed I was gone due to my new devotion to God, (and the healing that He was doing in my life) and then I was REALLY gone when I married and moved to San Francisco. Some years after that I was gone in the hole that was called, separation, divorce, depression and survival.   To most of my loved ones I have come back and hopefully had a chance to apologize for being away, for changing, and for making myself among the MISSING in their lives. If I have not done so, allow me to say, I am sorry that I dropped the communication ball, and I am back to make it better, now.
    I wonder what it is that causes me to miss persons who are now gone from my life. It is a strange combination of longing for the things they did and said for me, and desire to fulfill what I think I was to do in their lives. One prominent example was Catherine, a kind and generous woman I shared parts of three years with. I miss a dozen things about her bright side and none of the darkness that haunted her soul. I miss the moments when she was clear and optimistic and the love she had for her children, but not the fear or pain that she lived with daily. I miss what I was trying to do in my naivety: bringing a method of recovery, an revolution in her self image, and a closer walk with her God to this beloved child, caught in a woman's complicated world.  When I could not save, Jesus did, and that is why I can finally write about this because a year ago she succumbed to complications from surgery and long term alcohol addiction.  I miss a lot of people in my life, and particularly my dear mother, Dorothy, but I trust that they are not missing me, safe in the loving care of Jesus, our Lord and only Savior.
Why do I miss you, once good friend of mine? Because you had a special gift inside you that I no longer get to share. Your love enhanced my being in a way no other could. I grieve, I recover, and I set out to be more present, and less missing in the lives of those I am still in contact with.

windy with a chance of falling tree limbs

Big stuff blowing out of the North, shaking what is left of the oak tree leaves , to see who is stuck tight, and who is ready to blow into the neighbors yard.
When the wind blows, what is your reaction, usually to hide inside or at least behind something stable, protective. Probably a smart move, but some days I like to bundle up and go face to face with the gusts. It is my way of saying, " Winter I know you are tough up here on the mountain, but I am just as tough".
So i think i will leash up the dog and take a walk out in the forest, to listen to the wind and to talk back a bit.  Even if God is not in the wind, perhaps he will whisper to me.

what can we say ?

took a short walk in to Deep creek hot springs
and after a very interesting day, took the
MUCH LONGER hike up and out of the canyon back to the car.
It was awesome to see such a beautiful stream carving through the foothills above the desert
and to see HOT water flowing from the rocks. People had made pools by bringing in cement and using that to form deeper rock pools for soaking. Some people forgot their bathing suits, but I did not mind much. After soaking for a while, and having a picnic, my friend and I relaxed in the sun, clothed, and listened to the sounds of nature, interrupted only by the chatter of our Korean friends, one of whom played Amazing Grace on his harmonica.  It was a truly beautiful day in every way.

off

taking off to do some hiking, some exploring, some
building of friendship and
talking to God in the wild places He has created.
Thank God for November, October was a LONG month
not altogether sad, but complicated.
I have held my own memorial
for a relationship now gone,
and I am upward bound,
listening to the voice of the Lord, on the heights