several blessings

It has been said that it is good to count your blessings.
Can I make it to 100? Perhaps, but that might be ambitious, or would bore, or could lead me toward pride or vain imagination:

I have great health, all of what I need to work, works!
Love has been no stranger to me
Loss only visits once in a while and does not stay long
Mom is gone, but her memory is always nearby and a pleasant one
Dad lives on in my hands, and now my feet, most of all my heart
There are abundant places to be alone, and comfortable peace is waiting there
When I work, my heart works with me, hardly any drudgery
Relaxing is natural, anxiety is a foreign agent, not allowed in this country
Physical pain is very minimal and with a good therapist, relief is only an hour away.
Freedom is showing up everywhere:
   I am freed from caring (daily) for mom.
   Free from self delusion, depression and despair
   Free from 20 extra pounds that had slowed me down
   Ready to walk through the mountains, which is almost free vacationing
   I live free in America which is still the greatest country in the world

See?  I could go on and on, but I must write someting else some where else,
so I bid you GOOD good day, and ask, 'What are you thankful for?'

break through, or break away.

pushing the reset button on me.
CLICK

nothing that has gone on the past several months must stop me from exploring
from discovering, from pushing myself to my limits in hope of exhausting me and finding the reservoir that comes from God, breaking through to the pipe of blessing, and letting Him and his wisdom flood my mind, body and heart.
Just as in the middle of a very dark night we do not long for the sunset that was, we long for the first light of dawn that precedes the sunrise that is coming. This is a dark place for me, but not nearly as bad as the prior places where my body and mind were at limits, and I found little in the reserve tank of my spirit. Each time I have hot a very low spot, God has been faithful to send His message, to equip messengers to bring to me a cup of refreshment, along with a candle's worth of light, just so that I could see my next step.
I walk on, but I do not walk alone.

Can I look into my soul?

Can I look deep within and see what is there?
When talking to a friend, or a love, or a family member
how do we comunicate trust, honesty, sincerity ?
Perhaps most of all by our eyes.
"Look me in the eye" was a common way for a father to get the truth from a son or daughter that was trying to hide something.
Looking in the eyes is a daring act, that some cultures do not value,
 or do not use.
Every day we look at ourselves in a mirror, but do we look inside, at the person behind the pupils, do we seek to know ourselves on a  deeper level?
I am suggesting this as an exercise, based on the poem 'man in the mirror', sent to me many years ago by a good friend who I respect. If I can trust the man looking back at me, then others can too. If I can not trust him whose reflection is there when I comb my hair, the all others should beware.
If I can lie to myself, how will I know the truth to speak it to others?
   So today, instead of looking to see if my hair is just right ( fat chance) or if I shaved every spot on my chin, i will look deep, and see if I like the person within. When I am done drying the fog off the mirror I will not look to see if I have done a good job with the glass, I will look to see if the work my father set out to do, to raise bright and caring and truthful young men into adults, has been a success.
I seek to know you, when I look in your eyes, and to allow myself to be known. I want whoever knows me to know the real me, the truth about me.

light through the trees

terrible picture, good post starter.  ready set WRITE!


light comes filtering in through the dense forest and is a welcome change from the treeless plains that dominated the landscape since crossing Forester Pass ( 13,200' above sea level) earlier in the day. Now instead of walking on racks and hard gravel the trail is scattered with pine duff, and there are mossy, fern like smells in the air. The downhill is still serious business with a 40 lb pack pushing me, but the idea of camp, fire and dinner shines through any tiredness just as the sun beams filter through the branches that almost block out the sky.  I am in love, with me, with God, with the forest animals and with the few travelers that share the trail. I hug people I do not know, and talk in my head and sometimes aloud with my inner child, allowing that it is he that needed this hike in order to show me the lessons again of simplicity, of purity, and of devotion.  In the valley of ferns, on the meadow of a million grasses, by the streams of crystal clear water flows that life force that I have been looking for, and as surely as the drop of water from the last summer snow field makes it down, and down and down to the ocean, so will my journey be completed. I yield myself to the order that I find, I lay myself on the place of humility, knowing for certain that in this huge place I am very small. I take comfort that it is no effort for my God of infinite knowledge to know where I am when the light fades, the stars fill the sky and the only sound is of my breathing.  I am not alone, nor will I ever be.

great family

my brother Rick at his wedding to Susie, my sisters, my kids, my sweetie, and my dog.

My dad's

these belong to my dad. in the pouch are two of his Boy Scout medals. His love for scouting
was passed on to me, and now I have these as a fine memento of our days together, camping, hiking, and learning together. we learned this oath and recited it often:
On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my Country and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

Triumph in the trees

from my trip to Sequoia with my mom, summer 2010
-----------------------------------------------------------
I am walking briskly, breathing deeply and can feel my pulse is going at a pretty good rate of
maybe two beats per second. I practice what I learned from Susan Powter about breathing, forcing in and out too much air, so that I can burn as many calories as possible.
I am not out for my health or for fitness, I realize that if I finish this walk today, as planned, I will probably be hurting in a lot of places.
I am about a destination, for now, over five miles away and two thousand feet higher. it is a lot to do in a short time, but I have forgotten, conveniently, how out of shape I may be. I have chosen to imagine that I can do all things because I want to do them. I have rolled the dice and figured that IF I can get to the top of this trail I will have enough strength and endurance to get back down in time for dinner.
I wriggled myself out of a warm sleeping bag at about six, and slurped one strong cup of coffee and put my lunch and a few other items in a sack with a couple quarts of water. I hit the trail at a quarter to seven with plenty of light in the sky, but no sun on the tree tops yet.

( my starting place is Lodge Pole campground in Sequoia National park at 6600 feet elevation, or 2011 meters in Canadian - no drugs were involved other that over the counter Naproxene. )

In a few minutes I will have an experience that changes not WHO I am, or What I am, but seems to alter HOW I am, and how I fit into my world. It is something I was not seeking because I did not know it existed. I did not think to look for something buried inside of me to set me free, since I thought that a teaching or practice or discipline outside of me would have to be learned, gained or embraced to find this thing for which I do not yet have a name.
( I will temporarily name it the Z factor.)

my journey

Ok, I get it.
you should too.

yet i know that a moment like I had this very morning comes to each of us in time... Their time

I can hardly explain it, much less give you the directions or GPS coordinates to finding the place where life comes into focus and the voices of the wind, and surf and wildlife all speak the same message. It must be different for each according to their needs and their place in life's cycle. Here is a small piece of what is being heard by my innermost man: You are alright, safe and sound. Nothing that went before and nothing that comes after this moment is

(found unfinished in drafts)

the circle game

my life has run in cycles
a revolving of people, places and time.
I have seen here how I get motivated, moving and growing
and then later how I am wandering again. and then another change comes!

Nothing could ever move me like the decline and death of my mom
but in all that I was serving, and being served by some of the best of God's servants.

After mom passed into the arms of Jesus
I had a rebirth of optimism, a sense of great freedom
and a rise in my productivity and creativity that was HUGE.
I was so glad to serve my family and her during that time that i did not count what it was costing me. It was a mission. Ordained for me to accomplish, and meant to change my selfishness and short sightedness forever. God is still using that experience to mold me and make me. He is the potter, I am the clay.

next up

the hiking bug has bitten me badly and I have an opportunity
to do a favor for a friend, so I am climbing Mt. San Gorgonio
on Wednesday and Thursday.  I am very happy and excited for this trip.
It means I must work very hard tomorrow, get to sleep EARLY
and then leave my home before light on Wednesday
I like to hike in the cool part of the day.
It wil take all day to reach the top, and then come part way back down
to make camp, I will be sure to take pictures.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for myself and my family.

some thoughts

Mom's passing was to me, like a slow motion winter sunset into a calm vast ocean.
The brightness was gone, fading to a glimmer and as the intensity went down the subtleties of light and dark began to play on the screen that is the sky. as the changes came we had to look for them, appreciate them, cement them in our memories so that when it was dark and cold we would know that we had gotten every bit of that last great light show.

our eyes could not see what was really happening, and that is where faith in God and His word come to repair our poor vision.
we live in the now, and see only what is here, yet we long for and dream of what is there, beyond the horizon of life's span.
God's messengers have brought us a great gift and we will be advised not just to own a copy, but to open it. We need to be sure of who we are in Him, and sure of what we believe. We must test His promises to know that He is still the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Mom's life of faith taught me to respect these abiding principles: Perseverance, peace, patience and praise.

Psalm 34:1 "I will extol the Lord at all times, His praise will always be on my lips."

Perseverance sounds something like this from the apostle Paul:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. "
2 Corinthians 4:16

Patience is not an easy virtue to achieve, but mom was patient with those around her.
Psalm 40: 1 " I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry."

Make peace within yourself. Calm the storms of anxiety and doubt by not relying on your own strength or cleverness.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

trail

to walk a trail is a commitment
once begun, it has a place to take you and a story to tell.
none of it is likely to be easy
the reward is bound to be great
all I have to do
is walk it

day three

hiking up the canyon toward Forester pass.
I feel good, refreshed, and able to plan my trip in any way that works from day to day.

from way on high

from all the way up there
to down here
my ego takes a tumble
thought i was a shining star
seems i need to be more humble
I cant rescue myself
( i need God.)
much less anyone else.
my work is good, as it should be
i give a lot and get even more
when people send their friends
with more requests, knocking on my door

my hands long to serve my God
with projects small or large
for now part of all I have belongs to Him
and all of who I am is His.