Sunday, June 17, 2007

from Grime dot net ( may 2003)

A Father's Rules on Dating his Daughter


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Happy father's day all you Dads!


Susan Helene Gottfried said...

David, this is great!

I just stopped by to thank you for dropping in at West of Mars and to yes, invite you to return. I can always use some male input in my fictional world; you're always welcome in it.

Mike said...

That was very funny!

Here from Michele

sage said...

good rules! I may need them in about 21 years (my daughter is now only nine)! Michele says hi.

kenju said...

David, you are a dad after my own heart!! When I get back home, I am going to email this to every day of daughters that I know!

Su said...

Ha, ha, ha! That is ACE! My husband could make use of this excellent list, although there is no gun or any other kind of weapon.... we live in the UK :-))))

craziequeen said...

I popped in to say hi, my friend, and ended up chuckling at this post......particularly #4...

Aginoth, with two daughters, plans to be sharpening his medieval axe when the hopeful boyfriends arrive....or polishing his 14C sword......

[big grin]


Snaggle Tooth said...

I'm Sure she won't be at all, ahem, intimidated- in dating after getting through this list (are you sure the nail-gun is nessisary?

Hope Dad's day was good to you!

Annie said...

Oh those were perfect! I'm a single mum so I'm going to steal those and change the appropriate bits. I know I'm going to need them!!!

Thanks for sharing.

Here via Michele today.

Anonymous said...

Oh I love this!

I'm saving it for my husband - he'll need a list like this soon enough. Our girls are 12 and 13 and boys are the main topic with the 13 yr old! Lord help us! :-)

Carol said...

Oh I loved this post ...excellent David..well thought out..very funny

Amrita said...

Really good . I want my BIL to read this. Mimz is not dating anyone right now altho she has the bees buzzing around her. But when she gets inot college next year she will