Thursday, March 02, 2006

trying to recap a month of non blogging

this is a short story that got dragged out.

a while back I made BIG WHEAT mad by giving heed to lady wisdom and trying a wheat free diet in the hopes of being less depressed and more brainy. It worked to some extent except that I was sad every time I looked at a bagel, and my daughter got tired of me drooling over her pancakes at breakfast. I had superior brain activity and hyper creativity and incredible energy also, none of which are directly attributable to the amount of rice in my sysytem. I also took on a weird fondness for coolie hats and flip flops. I was ok with the pasta brigade setting up a protest outside my home, and got used to the hate letters from the stockholders of Hostess products. The guy at the donut shop has other suckers who will buy his fat pills, so I did not hear from him.

here is the worst part - my blog libido went to zero! I had no drive.
I faked it through the Blogolympics and then went limp. Who would have thought that a good healthy pile of Wheaties is what makes a man a man who can blog for days on end?
What I was on the verge of discovering would rock Blogland and make a great hollyweird movie.
I can't tell you about it just yet, sorry

So I am a wheatless shell of a man who can not blog for beans. I mean this is pathetic.
Who would have known that gluten is what make our glutious so maximus? and your gludious needs to be maximus in the computer chair to get the darned blog stuff done. I was really confused, and my old friends were no help. Seemed like Jose Cuervo had taken Jack Daniels out to the woodshed for a thrashing. I was gonna have to tough this one out clear eyed and stone cold sober. Either I was a man or not ( all you people out there shouting "not" shut up!).
I look for consolation in the couch cushions, but found only spare change, I looked in the dictionary because I knew some smartass would tell me to find it there. I looked in the church and lo and behold, there in the choir was an angelic face and the voice to melt my cold and stony heart. I found my muse. Here was the inspiration for writing on a scale I had never imagined. Too bad it was the pastors wife! ( gotcha) Not really!
Her name is Patrice and her radiance is as bright as the sunrise that gets me out of bed on cold mornings.

As it turns out our first date was a disaster ( for the wheat free crowd) I was so distracted by her beauty and charm, that while sitting by the window overlooking the lake, I slipped! I was through two Squaw bread rolls before a bell rang in my head, announcing that wheat had wriggled its way into my system which was unaccumstomed to such things. I held on tight expecting to wretch, or convulse. Neither happened and we had a lovely evening there, the three of us: Patty, myself and the wheat monster. I apologized to Pat for being so reckless as to consume such a dangerous amount of toxins on our first date and warned her that I might need CPR later. She seemed OK with that.

this is not done, nor is it at all factual - strictly entertainment
hope you enjoyed it.


sister celtic said...


Barbara said...

I never knew wheat could take over someone's life like that! I'm honored you could hold on for the blog olympics.

Killired said...

so dave... i'm really interested in hearing more about this wheat free diet... did you really do it? did it help or not? i posted before that i was told i might have an intolerance... i went to your wheat friends blog but she hasn't updated since january but she said it only takes 4 days fo wheat free to determine if there is a problem or not... yes/no?

email me about this please! thanks!