Thursday, September 08, 2005

the Durn car won't start

Eleven reasons my car won't start,
or for those who read berween the lines
What is it going to be that makes me depressed and disfunctional today?

My car won't start because the battery is dead
Some fool left the trunk open all night

Once my car would not start because it was just too cold
and the deisel ( yes I made that mistake, too ) would not combust.
When the GM deisel engine was running well it was a terrific powerplant
I could have powered a small town from its output.
The other eleven months of the year, we would have been in the dark.

It's bad when your car won't start just because it knows that its YOU trying to get somewhere important.
Older cars had to have a reason to not start.
Three areas had to be checked, fuel to the carburetor, spark to the plugs and is the key in the ignition?
New cars will not start if you have not got enough milk in your Latte.
Perhaps the last driver moved the seat and changed the tilt of the steering wheel.

Older cars you could push start.
Push, jump in and pop the clutch in second gear
You would be off, on your way, faster than your mechanic could say,
"You'll have to leave it here, so we can try starting it when it is cold."

If it was only the battery, push start was the way to go.
I got so good at this move that I could do it and actually look stylish
One, two, cha cha cha! There is nothing so sweet as the sound of
and old Volkswagen engine starting this way! It sounds like some one
blowing bubbles in their milkshake. Blup Blup Blup
Then as the air warms the frozen chocolate ice cream yumminess,
bupbupbupbupbup and then she fires!
Putt put pot,pitta and give her the gas ( unless you are out).

Sometimes the battery was all good, but the starter was having issues ( I HATE that phrase, that is why I use it here, to show how ridiculous it is) a long armed person could stick a screwdriver in between two terminals and get enough vroom to get to the next breakdown.
this works best on big heavy cars that you can't push because they have automatic transmissions. The demise of the stick shift will be lamented by a blogger in the twenty third century, as will the uselessness of the compact disk.

Once in a while, it is not the cars problem, but the operator is to blame.
My favorite: the car will not start because it did not make it home last night.
The operator had so much fun that the car had to sit outside the tavern all night, and now the keys do not reach the ignition from across town. Smart of the operator, to not drive impaired, but silly to be so impaired.

Commercial interlude for the Queen of classic rock's classy site.

Part two will address:

I can't find the keys
I found the keys but I can't find my way out if here.
I am outside and walk right past the car because I would rather go for a walk.


Jayleigh said...

David my friend! You are so silly and funny. Thanks for alerting me to the new post. I love being the first to read your work.

Did you ever get the car started?

David said...

alas - Jayleigh, it is I who needs the jumper cables across my terminals today. My car left me home last night!

Nettie said...

Or my personal favorite: the car just doesn't like you.

Heather said...

Not enough milk in your latte - you're cracking me up.

Just to look completely incompetent at my new job - I left the lights on my first day of work and had to have one of the guys jump me. (It's 5 years later and he's one of my best friends but man, you just feel stupid.)

Bar Bar A said...

A walk sounds good. I miss jump starting my Datsun 510 station wagon.